On Low Maintenance Friendships and Loneliness
1 out of 2 American adults experience loneliness. Not a fleeting moment of loneliness, but a deep distressing feeling of aloneness. Unlike generations before us, most of us belong to fewer social groups or are religiously inclined. We have displaced devotion and community in our lives, and made work our god.
I live in New York City, the city that never sleeps, where life moves at warp speed. We rush throughout our day trying to squeeze absolutely everything out of the day and in doing so enervate ourselves. We have long to do lists that we are never quite seem to get through in an attempt to remain organized. We walk a tightrope of trying to advance our careers, build wealth, pursue hobbies, exercise, have tidy (tiny) apartments, and *insert whatever other desire you have*.
We always fall short. Because we are human, and I don’t think we were made to live hurried and frenzied lives. I don’t think we were made to live lives where we pursue accolades and promotion above all things. And I get it. To live more than a mere existence is expensive.
But what happens at the end of all the striving? At best we feel a sense of accomplishment, and at worst we are exhausted/burned out, lonely and experiencing our second or third quarter life crisis.
For what use is it to gain all the wealth and power in this world, with everything it could offer you, at the cost of your own life? And what could be more valuable to you than your own soul?
Mark 8:36-37 TPT
I recently asked a lot of people what their thoughts were on ‘low maintenance friendships’ and more importantly if they are satisfied by their relationships. To me, the emergence of the label low maintenance friendships and relationships is directly correlated to the rise of workism. Workism was coined by American journalist Derek Thompson in 2019 to describe our excessive devotion to work and a lifestyle that prioritizes work as our primary source of identity.
Low maintenance friendships as defined by Ebube A is, “where there is a general understanding of these two things:
We do not necessarily always have to communicate at length on a daily basis. This is not to say that there are never times when we’d text/call/FaceTime a bit more frequently, just that we’ll also have periods of “silence” (DM’ing each other media/interacting with each other on social media, etc. but not necessarily speaking) without it impacting how the friendship is viewed at its core;
There is no pre-set expectation with regards to physical presence/availability (like weekly pre-set dates/visits etc). We hang out as time/schedule/energy permits with neither of us feeling neglected/abandoned etc.”
Clementina N shared with me that, “low maintenance friendships to me are friendships that don’t require frequent communication to maintain a sense of closeness. We may not speak every day or every week, and we may have long stretches without seeing each other but whenever we speak or link up it’s like nothing has changed.”
For the majority of people I spoke to who identified as being low maintenance friends felt as though their emotional needs are being met and are content in their relationships, but I also couldn’t help but wonder what happens if social media were to cease existing. If we couldn’t have these superficial touch points and peeks into the lives of our friends, would we still be satisfied?
In an increasing globalized world, where many of us many live in a different place to where we were born and or raised, it makes sense. The loves of my life are across continents and time zones, and I couldn’t possibly maintain all my friendships to the extent that I would want to. But I think there is a danger of low maintenance friendships that isn’t spoken about.
“Low maintenance doesn’t mean low effort or low intentionality.” - Erin G
The rules of low maintenance friendships only work if there is a foundation that has already been built. You can only be low maintenance where there is something to maintain. It’s a recipe for disaster to approach making new meaningful connections.
My friend Muniq B shared with me, “just because someone is a low maintenance friend, doesn’t mean that they need less emotional support or friendship needs than others.” I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we are experiencing a loneliness epidemic and we are also friendship minimalists. To love and care for someone and to love and be cared for requires a considerable amount of effort.
Friendship is not the easiest thing, knowing what's close enough and what's too close and how much distance is too much distance. Aiming to fulfill friendship needs and a sense of connectedness without putting a burden on others to include you or accommodate for you can be tricky. I also think life puts us in those positions where we learn to accept that everyone is walking their own path so we have a baseline acceptance for low maintenance friendships / communities but this can end up putting a lot of pressure on romantic relationships instead to fulfill that lack of connectedness. - Charmaine A
The last thing I want to do is to add to any of our already full plates, but I want to challenge us to attempt to place our relationships on a higher rung of our priority ladder. See how it feels. Ask your friends what they need. Ask yourself what you need, and be honest. Having needs is not an inconvenience to those that love you.
Sometimes I think we are all waiting for the other person to make the first move, but why not you?
Three Good Things
I’ve been finding it really difficult to find a new rhythm since I moved apartments this month, but I’m slowly coming back to myself. That’s it, I’m just happy to be me again.
Summer is here, and I am really loving being outdoors more BUT. It has been so hot in New York that leaving my house even for a 10 minute walk means that I’m coming back drenched. To replenish my electrolytes, I’ve been loving LMNT’s drink mix. Loved them during my half marathon training and they’re even more enjoyable now. You can try them with my personal link here.
It feels like we’ve had back to back releases with Billie Eilish’s album, Ayra Starr’s album, Tem’s album, Kaytranada’s album and I’m so here for it.
A Question To Consider
Who do you need to call or text back?